


Then there's me inside a sinking boat running out of time

by lxuisstrxng



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abused Louis, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Bullied Louis, Bullying, Clumsy Harry, Crying Louis, Depressed Louis, Domestic Violence, Flashbacks, HARRY WORKS IN A BAKERY THANKS GOD, Harry is so clumsy I love him, Harry makes it better, Harry rambles a lot, I promise it's not depressing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Louis doesn't like to be touched, Louis playing the piano, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Music, Non-Famous Harry, Non-Famous Louis, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Violence, Scared Louis, Self-Hatred, Shy Louis, Singing, Songwriting, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet Harry, Underage - Freeform, Verbal Abuse, Violence, a lot of crying, funny harry, quiet louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-09 05:44:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12881406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxuisstrxng/pseuds/lxuisstrxng
Summary: Louis' father left when he was only eight and two years later her mother met another man. She trusted him with her heart and her children, but he wasn't the person she thought he was. When the verbal abused started, she didn't want to make a big deal about it. When he hit her for the first time, she told herself she deserved it. When he raped Louis, she wasn't herself anymore. Now, Louis is sixteen and Michael has been in prison for two years, but he's still dealing with the terrors of his past. He wished he could make it stop, but being bullied at school does not help. He's quickly hiding into himself while his mother spends her days and nights in bed, hating Louis because of what he did. And Louis hates himself for it too, sometimes he just wants to stop breathing. But then he thinks about his sisters. He's all they have.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DON'T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH READING ABOUT PAST UNDERAGE RAPE/NON-CON. IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT BETWEEN LOUIS AND HARRY BUT STILL. YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN BECAUSE I WARNED YOU.  
> Okay, so, this is based in a prompt I wrote for roleplaying. I like it a lot because, even though it's pretty raw, I love the fact that Harry shows Louis he can have another chance to be happy, you know? I really hope you guys like it too.
> 
> In this first chapter, Louis sings The lonely by Christina Perri. I don't owe the song, I don't owe Christina Perri, I don't owe One direction, I don't owe nothing at all.

Louis didn't even bother on going to the cafeteria. He knew what would happen if he did. The last time, a group of bullies threw him food and everyone laughed; he wasn't able to stay for the next class that day, even though the last thing he wanted to do was going back home when there was only his mother. The girls were still at school and he wished he had somewhere else to go, but he didn't and his clothes were a total mess. 

Another time, a guy pushed him when he was carrying his trip of to an empty table and he ended with his face buried in the food. That wasn't funny either, but still everyone laughed. Well, not everyone. A few people also looked at him with pity, but they wouldn't do anything to help Louis, too scared of being bullied as well. Louis understood how it worked. 

The thing was, he didn't have the money to buy food somewhere else, and they were already running out of food at home. At lunch, he was so hungry he was about to feel sick. He walked through the hallways looking at his feet, like always, as the bullies around him called him names and pushed his shoulders. When he finally got to the room, his eyes were teary and tired. But at least now, he was safe because no one went to the music room at lunch break. His teacher had told him he could go whenever he wanted to, since Louis was his best student. 

Louis got into the room and closed his eyes, letting out a deep, relief breath once he found himself alone. He liked being alone, it made him feel safe because then no one would be able to hurt him. No one would call him names, no one would yell at him. He hated being yelled at. He sat on the bench at the piano and left his bag aside, on the floor. 

He buried his face into his hands for a little moment and remembered what Lottie told him every time he felt like he couldn't breathe. In and out. In and out. He wiped his eyes and lifted the top of the piano. He ran his fingers over the keys and instantly felt a little better as he took a deep breath and let his eyes flutter closed. He had learned how to play when he was only a kid, his father had taught him. That was only a year before he left. He didn't remember much of him, to be honest, but he did remember the way his strong fingers touched the keys, so firmly but still so gently. He remembered his voice when he sang and how he marked the bit with his foot. His father used to be a musician. 

He left when he Louis was only eight. Lottie was six, Fizzy, five, and the tweens were two. His mum tried her best for them not to suffer it much, Louis knew, but he also remembered finding Jay crying in the kitchen when no one saw. 

Louis was trying not to think about all that, though, and it wasn't that hard while he was playing. When he played, he focused on the notes completely, on the keys and the melody. That was the only way he could let himself go, shut the voices inside his head and stop being so afraid. When he was playing, he could breathe without so much effort. Once he felt comfortable enough, he started singing in a soft voice. He liked listening to himself, it made him feel real. 

"Dancing slowly in an empty room, can the lonely take the place of you? I sing myself a quiet lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again" Louis was singing. It was originally a song for a woman, but he liked it. He liked being able to say those worlds out loud. "Too afraid to go inside, for the pain of one more loveless night. For the loneliness will stay with me and hold me till I fall asleep." 

Harry was walking through the hallway as he tried to find an empty room where he could have lunch. He didn't want to go to the cafeteria, he hadn't gone in a few weeks now. His best friend Niall had moved to another city and he felt like it was pretty pathetic to go and sit at an empty table. He could already imagine the looks of the people around him, and he didn't really care about strangers really, but he preferred to avoid that uncomfortable situation. But then, he heard a song coming from the music room. He did know that song, of course he did, it was Christina Perri, but he didn't know who was singing it. 

He shouldn't have, but he poked his head into the room and looked inside with bright eyes. He saw a boy sat at the piano, both playing and singing, he didn't get to see his face, though, but he was sure he had never met that guy before. Or at least, he had never heard him singing. He wouldn't have forgotten it if he had. Harry had never heard such a beautiful singing voice, and it was obvious the stranger was singing with so much feelings, raw ones. And it made Harry's heart flutter into his chest. He almost wanted to close his eyes and listen to him forever. 

And then, he did another thing he knew he shouldn't have. Quietly, he got into the room, even though he could tell the boy playing the piano wanted to be alone. It was pretty obvious: who would have picked the lunch break to play if they didn't want to be alone? But Harry couldn't leave, he didn't want to. He stepped in slowly, carefully not wanting to make any sound, but it was Harry after all. Soon, he was tripping over a lot of instruments that were on the floor making a thunderous noise. 

Louis hated how scary he was after everything that happened, how easy his eyes filled up with tears and his hands started to shake. He felt like he was in that bed, all over again. He felt his body so weak that it hurt, and he had to repeat in his mind that he was safe, he was okay and Michael wasn't there to hurt him never again. 

When Louis heard Harry, he startled badly. He wrapped his arms around his whole body shaking as he tried to make himself as little as possible. And that was one of the million reasons why everyone at school thought he was a freak. He would start to shake or even cry if anyone made him startle, or touched him, or talked loud enough to him. Then everybody would start laughing and that only made it worse. 

"Fuch" Harry mumbled and sighed deeply. "Sorry... That wasn't supposed to happen" he said with a shy chuckle. "I wasn't trying spy on you, of course. I just, I was walking through the hallway. I mean, I know it's lunch break, and yeah, I should be at the cafeteria with everyone else. Actually, I'm starving, aren't you? But anyway, I was walking through the hallway, trying to find an empty room... But it's not easy, you know? Most of teachers locked their doors. Mrs. Johanssen used to let me eat in her class room, but now she's in the leave and I haven't asked her substitute yet..." He rambled shaking his head and gesticulating with his hands as he did, but then he looked at the boy in front of him and furrowed his eyebrows deeply. "Hey... Are you okay?" He asked concerned. 

Louis wasn't even listening to the stranger. He was too busy trying to breathe, repeating Lottie's words in his mind over and over again. When he noticed the guy looking at him, he flinched completely terrified and gave a weak whimper, that made Harry furrowed only deeper since he didn't understand why the boy was so scared. 

He could tell Louis' reaction wasn't normal though, so he bit his bottom lip and started talking slower, softer. "I'm not going to hurt you" he whispered smiling gently to the boy. He stepped closer but stopped when Louis tried to shift away from him. "It's okay, I'll stay here then. There's no reason to be afraid." 

Louis closed his eyes tightly and made an effort to pay attention to the other's words, trying to come back to the present. 

"I didn't want to go to the cafeteria, and I think we have that in common, don't we?" He asked softly and smiled when Louis opened his eyes. It was a genuine, wide smile that made his bright eyes even brighter, and Louis noticed a beautiful dimple as well. He forced his mind to focus on that, on those bright green eyes, on the stranger's deep voice. "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to" he said with a shrug. "I just thought it would be nice to have lunch together? I really like music too and I don't have any friends in the school, to be honest" he admitted with a chuckle. 

Louis didn't understand why this guy was being so nice to him. He knew that, if the bullies found him there, he would never have a moment of peace at school ever again. This room was his safe place. He nodded slowly, still distrusting that stranger but he didn't want to tell him to leave. That wouldn't be fair of him, since he was being really nice, and Louis knew how it was like to have no friends. 

"Great! My mum prepared me sandwiches. I told her I didn't want to go to the cafeteria so she thought it would be a good idea. My friend, Niall, left only a few weeks ago and she knows I haven't got used to it yet. And I tell you, her sandwiches are the best. I have tuna, and... Chicken too" he rambled again as he looked into his pack of food. "Can I sit next to you?" He asked carefully. 

Louis looked at Harry curiously as he rambled and nodded again even though his hands were still shaking. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands before staring at his feet. Harry looked at him with concern as he grabbed a chair and placed it next to Louis, sitting down slowly. 

"Oh, I'm Harry, by the way" he said with a bright smile on his lips. "Harry Edward Styles. My friend used to say I have a super rock star name, Harry Styles. But I think Edward is more like, prince like? Sir Edward." He giggled and shook his head for himself. "Would you tell me your name?" 

Louis was still looking down at his shaky hands and reminding himself to take deep breaths. He did hear Harry this time though, and he could tell he was rambling again. But he didn't find it annoying, he just thought it was cute. "Louis" he whispered, his voice so weak and quiet that Harry wouldn't have been able to hear him if the room hadn't been in complete silence when he talked. 

"Louis" Harry tried to say it himself and nodded smiling. "I like it." He grabbed one sandwich from his bag and took a bite humming happily. "I was starving, seriously. I was about to sit there in the middle of the hallway and eat." He chuckled and looked at Louis, but then he noticed the boy staring at the sandwich now, even licking his lips, and it wasn't hard to say he was hungry. Harry probably had never been that hungry. But, since he didn't want to be rude, he didn't comment nothing about it. He grabbed another sandwich and handed it to Louis. 

The boy quickly shook his head. He couldn't take it because then Harry would want something in return. Maybe that was the reason why he was being so nice. No one was that nice only because. 

"I insist" Harry said softly and looked down at the sandwich humming. "This is made of chicken. Do you prefer tuna?" 

Louis bit his bottom lip and took the sandwich hesitantly. He just couldn't stop himself, he was so hungry. "Thank you" he whispered and took a bite of the sandwich sighing in relief. He quickly took another bite and in a minute or two he was finishing it. 

Harry let Louis eat in silence and handed him another sandwich once he finished. This time, Louis didn't try to say no. "They are good, aren't they?" He asked with a smile and Louis nodded as he ate hungrily. "Mum is the best at cooking, he taught me a lot of things. I like cooking too, but I'm not as good as her. I always cook to my sister, Gemma. She's amazing... Sorry, I'm rambling again, aren't I?" He said and chuckled softly. He grabbed a botlte of water and took a few sips before handing it to Louis. 

"Sorry. I-I, I'll pay you back" Louis whispered taking the bottle. Harry smiled and shook his head. 

"You don't have to, Lou" he told him, the nickname slipping from his lips easily making a tiny smile appear on Louis' lips. "You smiled! Yes, I did it!" He exclaimed with a giggle and the other blushed darkly looking away. "Sorry... I'm great on making things awkward... You have a really pretty smile, though... Well, I was saying you don't have to pay me. This water is from the tap, and my mum prepared this sandwiches with the leftovers from last night, so I didn't waste any money." 

Louis handed back the bottle to Harry and then started running his fingers over the keys of the piano without making any sound, because he knew that would help him calm down. He also was enjoying listening to Harry. He didn't force him to talk, which was a relief, and he talked so softly and slowly. He liked it. 

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Harry said suddenly. "The reason why I came in here, besides listening to you, was because I wanted to tell you, you have an amazing voice. I'm not an expert, of course, but I like music and I can tell you are really talented." 

Louis wasn't used to singing in front of anyone, he sang lullabies to his sisters every now and then but never like this. So, Harry's words meant a lot for him. "Thank you, Harry" he whispered quietly. 

Harry smiled widely when Louis said his name. "You can call me Haz, or Hazza" he said with a shrug. "My family and Ni call me like that. Also H. Your choice." Louis nodded slowly. 

Before Harry could say anything else, the bell rang. "I was having fun" he murmured with a sigh and put the bottle back into his bag. "I'll have to go, I have maths and I can't be late. But, maybe we can come back here tomorrow? We could have lunch together again, if you want" he said hopefully. Louis bit his bottom lip shyly and nodded slowly. He wanted to see Harry again. He wanted the chance to make a friend, and there was something about Harry that made him feel a little bit less nervous and afraid. "Great! See you tomorrow then."


	2. Chapter 2

"Lottie?" Louis whispered and bit his bottom lip. It was late and the younger girls were already asleep. Louis was sleeping in Lottie's bed right next to her like always. That helped him with his nightmares. Louis would still wake up crying and even screaming every now and then, but not as usual if his sister held him through the night.

Lottie always did all she could to help Louis. She knew her brother hadn't had it easy and didn't have it easy now either, so she tried to do as much as she could, even though Louis didn't let her to do much since he said she had to live her life. She did take her sisters to school every day though, and cooked for all of them too while Louis helped the girls with their homework every night. She had been insisted in working the last couple of weeks but Louis wouldn't agree. However, he had tried to get a job for months now and he hadn't got in any. Most of them asked for a parental permission, since he was underage, but he wouldn't have been able to get one. 

The girl was falling asleep when she heard her brother's voice. She opened her eyes quickly and looked at him with concern. "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?" She asked and it caused Louis to smile. He loved how much Lottie cared about him, even though he didn't want her to worry much. 

"I'm okay" he whispered after shaking his head. "I couldn't sleep..." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lottie told him softly, turning so she was facing him. Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded. "Tell me then, what's on your mind?" 

"I... I met someone today" Louis answered with a bright blush on his cheeks, glad that they were in the dark. That was the reason why he wasn't able to sleep, of course. He couldn't stop thinking about that curious stranger, the one who had managed to calm him down, to make him smile and who he was looking forward seeing again. 

"You did?" Lottie asked excitedly, her eyes widened with happiness. She knew it was really hard for Louis to interact with people and the fact that he had talked to someone made her so happy. "Tell me everything, a girl or a guy? And what's their name?" 

Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded looking down a bit shyly. "A guy... His name is Harry. We had lunch together and I think he's really nice. He's a bit clumsy too, and he rambles a lot. But I think it's cute. And he said I didn't have to say anything if I didn't want to, that makes me feel safe, you know? He calls me Lou, which is really sweet. And he said we can have lunch together again tomorrow, and I want to... Also, he says he likes music, like I do." 

Lottie had never seen Louis rambling like that before, and his eyes were so bright. It was obvious this meant a lot for him, and how wouldn't it? He hadn't had a friend in ages and the only people he talked to were his sisters. And of course, he loved them all more than anything else in the world, but he needed to have friends too. 

"I'm so happy for you! He sounds amazing, love" Lottie said softly. "I'm so glad you found a friend, and also that he respects your times, that's great." 

Louis bit his bottom lip ad nodded slowly. "But I... I'm scared" he admitted in a whisper making Lottie frowned. He shrugged when the girl asked him why and sighed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe someone can be nice to me only because, you know? At first, I kept asking in my mind what he would want in return." 

"He didn't ask for anything, did he?" Lottie asked concerned and Louis shook his head. 

"I think he just didn't want to be alone. He said his friend moved away and he wasn't used to being alone." 

"Well, not all people are jerks, Lou. You don't have to be scared, just careful. If this guy, Harry, right?, does something you don't like, then you walk away, right away, yeah? But if not, you can try and give him a chance. He seems nice from what you told me." 

"He is" Louis whispered nodding a bit. He was glad he could talk with Lottie about those things. She always understood. 

xxx 

The following day, Harry told Anne to prepare enough sandwiches for Louis to eat at lunch and then bring home, and also some for himself. He didn't want Louis to be hungry so he thought it was a good idea. Anne didn't ask too many questions, she was just happy Harry had made a new friend. She was honestly concerned about him since his only friend and moved to another town and she knew Harry wasn't one of the popular kids. 

Harry prepared two paper bags, one with his own name and another one that read 'Lou (:'. His bag had two sandwiches and Louis' four, two for lunch and two for later, Harry thought. He was really excited about seeing Louis again, he wanted to get to know him better and make friends with him, even though he could tell it wasn't going to be easy. 

The curly boy wasn't that good on making friends either. He was too clumsy and goofy, and he rambled a lot. He didn't like the same things the guys at school liked and he didn't really care much either. He wasn't bullied like Louis was, but he was kind of invisible at school. He didn't mind though, but he did want to have a friend he could talk with. 

xxx 

When the bell rang, which meant it was lunch time, Louis was already in the music room. He was so excited about seeing Harry, but he didn't let his feelings show in his face. He never did. His blue eyes that used to be so bright so long before, seemed dead now. They only bright a little bit when he was with his sisters, but never like before. Something inside him was dead and he didn't think it would ever be alive again. 

He sat at the piano, like he always did, and waited for Harry. He waited for ten minutes or so before realizing he wasn't going to come. Why would he? Louis had acted like a total freak, crying, shaking and barely talking to him. He had ruined the only chance he had got to have a friend. He was starting to get a stomachache when he realized he had been stupid enough to think he would have been able to have a friend. 

Louis felt so lonely all the time, he had felt lonely for years now. Of course, his sisters were always there for him but it wasn't the same. With his sisters, he had to be the strong one because they were his responsibility, he could never break down and be held with anyone but Lottie, even though he felt guilty every time he did since the girl was really young too, and she didn't have it easy either. Louis had to be strong all the time, for them. So, he felt lonely. And the only thought of having a friend made him feel a little better. 

He knew he wouldn't have been able to talk about everything with Harry either, maybe he would have never told him why he had nightmares almost every night, or why he hated so much being touched. Why every time someone besides his sisters touched him, he felt like he was twelve again, like he was in that bed again, with him. Probably, he would have never told Harry why he felt chills every time he got into his mother's room, or why he felt his legs flinched, feeling so weak he could have fallen. But, at least, he would have been able to talk with him about random things, forget for a few minutes about why he hated himself, why he felt so disgusting all the time. 

He felt his eyes filling up with tears and... 

"Shoot, it's so late! Sorry, sorry" he heard a voice behind him, obviously breathlessly. "It's impossible to get here in time when you're in biology, I swear. The laboratory is in the other building and the stairs were crowded. I'm so sorry I'm late" Harry said as he grabbed a chair and placed them next to Louis, just like the night before. "I came here running, everyone was looking at me like I was crazy" he told him giggling and shaking his head. "But, anyways. Thanks for waiting for me." 

Louis bit his bottom lip shyly and nodded blinking the tears away, since he didn't want Harry to see he had been about to cry. "Thanks for coming again" he whispered looking down at his hands. 

"Of course! I told you I was going to come, didn't I?" Harry said with a smiled and grabbed the paper bags from his school bag. "And look what I brought! I know you won't want to accept it at first, but I told my mum I made a new friend and she insisted. I think she was worried about me being all by myself. You know, mums." He giggled. 

Louis looked at the bag with his name and then up at Harry confused. "F-for me?" He asked and rubbed his eye wondering if he should accept it or not. He was also shocked about the fact that Harry had said they were friends. He didn't know they already were, or even if Harry wanted to be his friend. 

"Please, take it. It didn't cost any money, I promise. We had extra leftovers from last night." Louis reached to take the bag hesitantly, licking his lips with want at the only thought of having one of Harry's mum's sandwiches again. 

"Thank you" he whispered a bit embarrassed about taking the food. 

"No problem" Harry said smiling happily. He grabbed one of his sandwiches and took a bite, humming softly. "So, my friend Niall called last night" he commented excitedly. "He's in London now. Can you imagine it? It's so calm here, and everyone knows each other. And London it's like the opposite, don't you think? All of those cars, and lights and people. I don't think I would like to live there, you know? But I do want to go someday, like holidays, wouldn't that be great? Have you ever been?" He asked curiously. Louis shook his head as an answer. "Me neither... My friend was born in Ireland, you know? I haven't been there either. He has the most hilarious accent." He giggled softly. "It's like 'hi Louis, how are you?' He mocked the guy's accent and Louis suddenly giggled. 

Louis never giggled, not if he wasn't with his sisters. He didn't smile or show any other emotion but sadness, really. So, even himself surprised when he giggled as he listened to Harry. Harry surprised too and his heart practically melted into his chest. That was such a lovely sound, and he knew it was special. And that only made him want to help Louis even more, to make him giggle again. 

"He's amazing, I wish you had met him when he was here. He's hilarious. You know what would be great? To hang out together, the three of us. I'm sure you two would get along. He also has a big brother who used to hang out with my sister too. Do you have siblings?" Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded. He looked at Harry and hold up four fingers. "Four?! Those are a lot of siblings!" He said with a chuckle. "Are they younger or elder than you?" 

"I'm the eldest" Louis whispered talking slowly. "Then there's Lottie, then Fizzy and the twins are the youngers. Daisy and Phoebe. They are amazing." 

Harry's eyes softened as Louis talked to him. That was good, it meant the boy felt a bit more comfortable with him. "That's really sweet. I bet they all look up to you. I look up to my sister, I'm the youngest. And Niall is too. Gemma is eighteen, and Greg, Niall's brother, is twenty years old." 

"Lottie is fourteen, Fizzy thirteen and the twins are ten" Louis told him quietly as he ate one of the sandwiches Harry had given him. 

"It might be so fun to have twins! Do you tell them apart? Like, if they were wearing the same clothes and saying the same thing at the same time?" Harry asked curiously and Louis nodded. 

"I would. Sometimes they try to confuse the girls and me by wearing the other's clothes" he whispered with a little smile on his lips. "But I always know how to tell them apart." 

Harry was so happy Louis was talking more to him now. The curly boy was bright, smiling widely the whole time as they talked until the bell rang. He almost pouted since he was having so much fun. 

"Harry?" Louis asked shyly as the other put everything into his bag quickly. "You don't have to bring me lunch tomorrow... I can pick something from the cafeteria." He hated that food, and he knew something would go wrong and everyone would end up laughing at him, but he didn't want Harry to give him food either. He hated it when people gave him thinghs because they felt sorry for him. 

Harry smiled a bit and shrugged. "You don't have to though. Like I said, they are leftovers. We would throw them if I didn't bring them, and I don't want to waste food... I mean, you don't have to take them if you don't want them, but it's really not a problem." 

Louis bit his bottom lip shyly and nodded as he looked down. "Thank you" he whispered. 

"Thank you for having lunch with me. I had fun today" Harry said happily. "See you tomorrow! And, don't worry. I'm gonna come. Pinky promise."


	3. Chapter 3

As time passed, Harry could tell Louis was starting to feel more and more comfortable with him. It made him truly happy because he liked Louis, he liked spending time with him, even if they were together only during lunch break. And Louis liked spending time with Harry as well, he liked it so, so much. He didn't show it, but lunch break had become one of his favourite moments of the day. Harry was so spontaneous and he always made Louis feel safe with the things he said and did. He was genuine and honest and he gave Louis all the time and space he knew the boy needed.

Louis was slowly starting to talk a bit more, even though it wasn't easy for him. He was still scared about opening up and get hurt, but he was beginning to trust Harry. However, there were days better than others. Sometimes it was easier for Louis to open up, to giggle and just to focus on Harry. Some other days, though, it was harder for him. He would be a lot shakier, his eyes would be darker and he would jump at the quietest noise. He had good days, but he also had bad days, the ones when he felt like sleeping and crying all day.

It wasn't easy for Louis and Harry could notice it. Today, Louis' eyes were darker than ever and he'd barely eaten. He wasn't hungry, and he felt like he would be sick if he ate anything else. He was staring down at his feet in silence, trying to focus on his breath. He was barely listening to Harry, but he did glance at him when he heard the curly boy talk.

"You know what I've been thinking about?" Harry asked, his mouth half full. "I want you to teach me how to play the piano... I mean, if you want to. I promise I'm a good student." He chuckled softly with a light blush.

But Louis was already nodding, he was even before Harry ended talking. Harry was the only person who was able to help him go through those shitty days. At least to make it a bit easier. Harry's eyes brightened up, a wide smile on his lips.

"Really?! Thanks! You're the best, Lou" he said excitedly. "We could practice here. I also have an electric piano, I mean, it's not mine, it's Gems'. But I'm sure she'll let us practice with it. Wouldn't that be fun? And you can practice your own songs there whenever you want, of course."

Louis looked at Harry surprised when he heard that and bit his lip. "W-wouldn't your mum mind?" He asked quietly, weakly.

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "No, she loves you already. I told her a lot about you. All good things, don't worry" he joked and Louis blushed darkly at the thought of the other talking with his mum about him. "You can come whenever you want to, just tell me when you are free. We can also just hang out, you don't have to play the piano if you don't want to." He shrugged.

Louis used to have a piano at home. It was huge and beautiful, he remembered. It was his father's piano. When his father left, he remembered sitting on the little bench and imagining Troy was there with him. He also wondered why he didn't take it with him, he was too young to know it would have been so hard for the man to carry it to wherever he was going.

That was before Michael sold the piano, of course.

He closed his eyes tightly when that name came to his mind, because he knew what other memories came along with it and he didn't want to see. He didn't want to remember, but he couldn't control it either. When he was having a bad day, the memories just came to his mind at the slightest touch, the slightest word. He remembered begs and cries, his begs and cries. It had to be a memory about one of the first times, since after a few months he had learned it was useless and probably it made everything worse. _Because Michael gets mad when Louis cries. Louis has to be good and quiet, then it won't be that bad. It won't hurt that much. "Don't fight me." "Stay still." "You know you want it._ "

"Lou? Louis, please talk to me" Louis heard a concerned voice next to him. He didn't even notice he was trembling, shaking. "I'm so, so sorry. I... I don't know what I said but I never meant to make you cry, I promise. You don't have to come to mine if you don't want to, but please don't cry..."

Louis startled badly when Harry placed his hand on his own, taking it away quickly. Harry didn't know what to do, he had no idea what was happening or what he did wrong. Louis stood up quickly and grabbed his things: he had to go out. He had done a great job making a fool of himself, now Harry would definitely think he was a total freak.

"Louis... Where are you going? Just... Please tell me what I did wrong" Harry said both sad and concerned. But Louis didn't answer, he grabbed his things and ran out of the room and to the street.

He couldn't stay for the next class, he couldn't let Harry see him like this. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't stop that voice inside his head. The tears were running down his cheeks without stop now. He didn't want to go home and he didn't have anywhere else to go, so he ended in the middle of the street. Louis didn't even know how much time he spent crying, pulling from his hair, scratching the skin of his forearms until it was red and painful. The street was deserted and when Louis looked up, he was in the middle of the dark. He had spent /hours/ like that before he started calming down. He grabbed his phone with shaky hands as he whimpered weakly.

'I don't know where I am. I'm sorry' he texted Lottie. His eyes were plump and red after crying so much and so hard.

Lottie had been trying to contact Louis for hours, she was freaking out and didn't know what to do. She started crying in relief when Louis finally texted and responded quickly.

'Don't apologize, love. It's okay. Tell me what to see, are you in the street? I'll go find you, everything will be okay.'

'Yes, I'm in the street, but I don't know the address, Lots. Don't leave the girls alone.'

'Listen to me, Lou. I need you to go to the corner, okay? Tell me the streets, please, love. Fizzy will keep an eye on the girls for a few minutes so I can go find you.'

When Lottie found Louis, he was all curled in himself, his face into his knees. He wasn't crying because he didn't have more tears left. Lottie sat down next to him and hugged him tightly, shushing when Louis tried to push him away weakly. "It's me, you're okay. You're good, I'm here" she whispered and Louis slowly leaned into her. "You are safe now."

"I'm sorry" Louis whimpered and Lottie shook his head.

"This is not your fault, Lou. You have nothing to apologize for." She furrowed her eyebrows deeply when she saw Louis' arms. She sighed sadly and ran her fingers through her brother's hair. "Let's go home, yeah? We have to treat those wounds."

Louis nodded slowly feeling completely exhausted after his terrible attack. He felt guilty for making Lottie go through this, and also sad because he knew Harry would think he was crazy, but he felt as if he was anesthetized, as if he was floating in his own world.

When they got to the door, Louis stopped her. "Lottie" he whispered weakly. "C-can you fix my hair a bit? I just don't want the girls to see me like this."

Lottie smiled sadly and nodded. She knew how much she cared about what they thought about him, since he was like a father for them. "I'll see what I can do" she said softly and tried to comb Louis' hair with her fingers carefully since she didn't want to pull it. Then she wiped Louis' eyes and placed a kiss on the tip of Louis' nose as she did. She took off her jacket and helped Louis put it on, so the girls wouldn't see how bad his arms were. "Let's go."

"Lou!" Phoebe exclaimed excitedly when she saw Louis coming from the door. Daisy and her had no idea what was going on, they were too young to know. The both of them ran to hug Louis and he kneeled to do the same, hugging them tightly as he closed his eyes.

"Hi, my loves" he whispered trying to sound a lot firmer than he actually felt. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here to play with you, girls."

Both of them shook their heads and kissed Louis' cheeks. "It's okay, Fiz played with us" Daisy told him with a smile.

"Okay, let's let Lou go wash himself for dinner, yeah?" Lottie asked softly kissing the girls' heads. Once they let Louis go, he stood up again and walked with Lottie to the bathroom. She knew Louis was still shaky, so she prepared a bath for him. Louis took his clothes off, leaving his boxers on, of course, and got into the tub.

"Thank you" he whispered and closed his eyes, his arms hanging from the sides of the tub as Lottie rubbed them with a lotion to help the skin heal.

"No problem" she whispered back and sat on the edge of the tub to wash Louis' hair lovingly, massaging and scratching his scalp as she did. "You deserve someone to take care of you too, Lou. You do so much for us." Louis just stayed in silence, trying to relax under Lottie's touch. "Was it about him again? Do you want to talk about it?" She asked carefully.

"It was about him" Louis said tiredly as he nodded. "I was with Harry, having lunch. We were okay, but then he said something about a piano... And then I started thinking about dad, about dad's piano. And about him..." He shook his head and sniffled. "I don't know what happened after that. I think I ran away because the next thing I remember is texting you from that street."

Lottie frowned as she listened to Louis and sighed deeply. "You need to talk to someone, Lou... A professional. You know this is not normal, and I... What if something happened to you? What if you harmed yourself or...?" She was saying but Louis shook his head.

"You know we don't have the money" he mumbled weakly. "And, if we did, then we would use it for mum, not me. I'll be okay."

Lottie just nodded because he knew she wouldn't be able to convince him. Besides, if he did go to talk to someone, what would he say? They couldn't let anyone know Jay was sick, that was Louis said. If anyone knew she was mentally ill and wasn't able to take care of their kids, they would send them to an orphanage, since they were all underage. They couldn't let that happen.

"Harry might hate me now" Louis whispered all by the sudden.

"Don't be silly, he will understand. And if he doesn't, then he's not worth it" Lottie said firmly.

"I'm not worth it" he breathed, wanting to cry again. It was obvious by the tone of his voice. "He's been so amazing to me. Talking to me, being so patience with me, bringing me lunch and I..."

"He brings you lunch?" Lottie cut him off surprised, since she had no idea about this. Louis didn't want to worry her so he didn't tell her. She couldn't make it better anyways. "Why, Lou? What about the cafeteria?"

Louis sighed and shook his head. "Everyone makes fun of me when I go to the cafeteria. They laugh and call me names. Threw me food a couple of times" he admitted.

"Oh, Lou... Why didn't you tell me, love? I could cook some extra food so you could take it to school" she was saying but Louis shook his head.

"We don't have enough" he murmured. "I'm tired, Lots."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really excited about this chapter, so tell me what you guys think!
> 
> Thanks for reading xx.


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